I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
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