I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
