everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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