WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
