i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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