My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
