1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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