Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
