They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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