Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My pussy is not your playground.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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