why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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