I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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