Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
