there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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