just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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