So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
