420 ftw
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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