It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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