If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
