areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
