break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
