I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
