Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
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Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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