census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
