i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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