I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
