u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
