Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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