im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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