i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
