she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
