JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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