I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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