He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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