I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
