So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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