Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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