why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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