Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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