sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
