Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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