Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
