WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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