if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
