can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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