FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
