Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
