What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
