If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
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Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
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He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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