YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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