I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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