saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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