I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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