why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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