If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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