My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just invented taco cereal.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
