You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
