I wish I could teleport
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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