The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
