wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
